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| Well I have been a member of xanga for 1000 days now. That's approaching 3 years. Hard to believe it's been that long since Julia bugged me into getting one, but yeah, that was junior year. Unfortunately the quality of my entries has generally gone down and become more emo over that time, and I realize that. Not as many people read me now, and also not as many people update now. Also those who do update do it less frequently. So basically xanga is just dead in several different ways. For the most part I've been treating it like it isn't, but today I join the rest.
Originally I was going to cut xanga out of my life entirely today, delete my page and everything. But I think I will just let this date mark me trying to focus on the things that are more important in life, which is not this. So I'll be back once in a while. In the meantime, if you still REALLY want to hear about my life for some strange reason, please e-mail me! Address is on facebook if you don't know it. I'd be glad to send pointless e-mails back and forth telling you about my boring life, and vice versa.
Thanks for reading. | | |
| It's day 996, and I'm beginning to panic.
Ok, well, those 2 things don't have anything to do to each other. But the panicking is tiresome. It has to do with the fact that I'm leaving for college in 8 days and I'm getting nervous. This next week is completely packed with things that all got pushed to the end of the summer: getting a haircut, barbecues, piano lessons, visiting with friends, writing my paper on the Great Gatsby. After so many months of rarely having a commitment, this is really an abrupt change.
And then there's the whole deal with it being a new place. Am I going to meet people, am I going to like it there? Am I going to like my classes? For that matter, what are my classes? Will credits transfer? How will it be living with a complete stranger? (Ok, I've done that before, but that was 4 years ago, and I'm different now.) How will I survive the communal bathroom? And don't get me started on the swim test. Shudder.
Summer's coming to an end, and for some reason I choose this time to start obsessing over the future. Am I going to get married? Do I even want to? What about kids? Right now I think definitely not, but what if that changes. And before that even happens, am I ever going to be in a relationship? I've been single since what, beginning of 2002 I guess. That's more than enough time to start believing that it's just not going to happen. What kind of job will I have? Am I even going to graduate college? Will I ever stop sucking in social situations? I'm full of questions but I don't have the answers.
This post is coming out slightly emo and that's not how I want it to be. If you are thinking emo right now, don't. Think... wispy. Clouds of slight confusion, but hopefully concealing a concrete truth beyond. That's what I'm searching for, I'll cross my fingers that some of my concerns will be allieviated in the coming weeks. And for the rest, the long term stuff? I guess I'll tell myself that it doesn't matter, it's so far off that there's no point in worrying about it now. That's what "they" tell us to do, right? | | |
| Today I went to a wake for the first time. Actually, it's the first time I've ever seen a dead person. The setup is somber to the point of creepiness. You walk in the room, and there she is. Laying in the casket, and she doesn't really look different. Maybe a little over-makeuped, but still, she doesn't look DEAD. But you keep staring for a few seconds, and you realize that she's not breathing. She's not going to open her eyes, open the coffin and join the party. And everyone else is just standing around talking about her and what a great person she was, and what a beautiful smile she had. There are pictures of her on all the walls. Her husband and daughter stood right there surrounded by huge bouqets of flowers trying to not look sad even though they are devastated. You shake their hands, but, what do you say really? What is there to say?
All this, and she was only my great aunt's husband's brother's wife. Saying I was personally attached to her would be more than just a little lie. Still, just seeing how it can affect your family worries me. Another thing: she died of cancer and she was only 52. Makes you think about how long each one of us has. You could go 20 years after all of your friends... or 20 years before. And you don't have any idea which it's going to be until it happens. | | |
| Got my housing information today. Received an e-mail in all caps telling me that this was my SECOND NOTICE to accept my housing contract or it would be voided (not that I ever got a first notice, because I didn't.) But whatever. I accepted and I'm in class of 17 hall (a.k.a. the transfer center) which is where I wanted to be, so, good. I was worried because I turned it in so late (think late June) I thought I was going to get screwed. But, I didn't! So yay!
Oh and for all you U of I peoples I am going to be visiting the weekend of October 8-ish. Not that you care this far in advance but I promised that I would visit, and I am. To the freshmen among you, I guess you'll just have to figure out a way to survive the first 6 weeks or so without me. It will be tough!! But you can handle it!
Other than that what's been going on. I've been practicing the piano (ha.) It's somewhat painful to be learning among people who are æons ahead of me in skill level. Still, I surprise myself somewhat. Pieces I'm working on now are harder than what I was doing when I quit, and I've had 7 years to forget it. I should be focusing more on relearning the basics, but whatever. Oh and I'm learning theory at the same time (tonic, supertonic, mediant, subdominant, dominant, submediant, leading tone! HA!) which is fun.
Sort of parallel to all that business is I've been borrowing a lot of classical music from the library, and it's interesting. Ives's Symphony No. 4: GR8. Glass etudes and random Ginastera stuff is also cool.
In other news... carbs are wonderful...
This has been an entry to try to convince everyone that xanga is not dead, even though it is. Maybe I'll restart the fad all over again. Or more likely I will just keep updating less and less frequently until I've forgotten about it. | | |
| Summer is unbearably boring. I hope it never ends.
I wish I could somehow open my window, reach to the sky, grab the celestial clock and throw out its batteries. Or better yet, push the hands back a while. Back to a time when I believed in unfounded ideals and never questioned them. To a time I felt optimistic about yesterday’s tomorrow and didn’t realize the work it would take. The more I’ve investigated to find my beliefs, the more I’ve learned about myself. Unfortunately, knowledge is the enemy of happiness. Which would you pick: adolescent serenity or troubled wisdom?
Let’s face it. You and I, we are the kind of folks who live some meager awkward years and when it ends, we feel we’ve seen too much. We find it difficult relating to people which explains our relative failure at obtaining—seeking out, even—the long sought-after pillars of love and friendship. “They” tell us that finding other souls to share our mind and being with is life’s most rewarding experience. But it won’t come for us. We’re simply too far removed from emotion. In the long run, it hardly matters. The cosmos don’t care if we feel rewarded or not, so if we’re at a predisposition not to, we probably won’t.
Before long you’ll be thrust into everything you loathe and everything you cherish. It’s a new beginning, a new chance, and a new way of living. You don’t have very long to prove yourself, so you’d better not screw it up, kid.
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